Sunday, November 30, 2014

Thankful at Thanksgiving (in pictures)

Here's what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving...and all year long.

These two!

E loves Grandpa Claude's Allis Chalmers.

He likes the green ones too.

My world!

Such a good helper.

"Home of the Wicked Witch and Her Little Monsters."

Minnie Mouse
(E would not wear his Mickey Mouse costume.
He told me he was going to be Evan for Halloween.)

Punch Pizza after E's first professional haircut.
It was time, Mom kept messing it up.

Playing camping.

This lady thinks she can walk.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

My Rut

It's the last night of my Thanksgiving vacation. I'm sitting at my computer, with my hot chocolate and a delicious chocolate chip shortbread cookie that I made. They're almost as good as the ones at Rustica. I'm sure I can make them just as good if I keep trying but that means I need to keep making them which means I will continue to eat them. Not good. Anyway, I'm here. I'm blogging for the first time in weeks. I felt like I was in a writing rut, but then I realized, I can't be in a rut. I'm just telling my stories, there's no rut when you're telling the stories of your life. Then I thought, maybe life was in a little bit of a rut. And it kind of was. 

I felt like things were moving so fast but nothing was getting done. Life was so busy, but busy doing what? There were a few weeks when I felt like I was just floating through life in a haze. Work was stressing me out and I took it home with me. I felt angry, I felt sad, I felt helpless, and I was anxious. And then there was a moment that lifted me out of my rut. I was vulnerable with my husband. I gathered the courage to let walls down that I didn't even realize I had up. After being together for nine years, I still had insecurities I hadn't shared with him mostly because I didn't realize I had them. 

I've always considered myself a strong confident woman, but somewhere, somehow, my confidence has been shaken. I have all these insecurities of being good enough. A good enough Mom, wife, friend. Being good enough at my job so I can be promoted and make more money for my family. I shared this all with Mike and it felt good. I no longer needed to pretend that I was strong and confident and had it all together when I did not feel that way at all. That conversation helped me end my rut. 

You would think I would have no problem being vulnerable with Mike, especially after the condition I was in after E's birth. Mike was fortunate enough to have the experience of helping me put on those wonderful mesh underwear you get after having a baby. The ones that are as big as a tent so they can hold that giant pad. I really have no dignity left with him. But this was different. I didn't want to let him down. I liked having him think of me as strong confident woman. But the stress of pretending to have it all together made manageable things in life less manageable. I was overwhelmed and couldn't deal with it. That's the great thing about my marriage, Mike is a true partner, we're a team in life. When one is down, the other steps up.