I felt like things were moving so fast but nothing was getting done. Life was so busy, but busy doing what? There were a few weeks when I felt like I was just floating through life in a haze. Work was stressing me out and I took it home with me. I felt angry, I felt sad, I felt helpless, and I was anxious. And then there was a moment that lifted me out of my rut. I was vulnerable with my husband. I gathered the courage to let walls down that I didn't even realize I had up. After being together for nine years, I still had insecurities I hadn't shared with him mostly because I didn't realize I had them.
I've always considered myself a strong confident woman, but somewhere, somehow, my confidence has been shaken. I have all these insecurities of being good enough. A good enough Mom, wife, friend. Being good enough at my job so I can be promoted and make more money for my family. I shared this all with Mike and it felt good. I no longer needed to pretend that I was strong and confident and had it all together when I did not feel that way at all. That conversation helped me end my rut.
You would think I would have no problem being vulnerable with Mike, especially after the condition I was in after E's birth. Mike was fortunate enough to have the experience of helping me put on those wonderful mesh underwear you get after having a baby. The ones that are as big as a tent so they can hold that giant pad. I really have no dignity left with him. But this was different. I didn't want to let him down. I liked having him think of me as strong confident woman. But the stress of pretending to have it all together made manageable things in life less manageable. I was overwhelmed and couldn't deal with it. That's the great thing about my marriage, Mike is a true partner, we're a team in life. When one is down, the other steps up.