Saturday, November 29, 2014

My Rut

It's the last night of my Thanksgiving vacation. I'm sitting at my computer, with my hot chocolate and a delicious chocolate chip shortbread cookie that I made. They're almost as good as the ones at Rustica. I'm sure I can make them just as good if I keep trying but that means I need to keep making them which means I will continue to eat them. Not good. Anyway, I'm here. I'm blogging for the first time in weeks. I felt like I was in a writing rut, but then I realized, I can't be in a rut. I'm just telling my stories, there's no rut when you're telling the stories of your life. Then I thought, maybe life was in a little bit of a rut. And it kind of was. 

I felt like things were moving so fast but nothing was getting done. Life was so busy, but busy doing what? There were a few weeks when I felt like I was just floating through life in a haze. Work was stressing me out and I took it home with me. I felt angry, I felt sad, I felt helpless, and I was anxious. And then there was a moment that lifted me out of my rut. I was vulnerable with my husband. I gathered the courage to let walls down that I didn't even realize I had up. After being together for nine years, I still had insecurities I hadn't shared with him mostly because I didn't realize I had them. 

I've always considered myself a strong confident woman, but somewhere, somehow, my confidence has been shaken. I have all these insecurities of being good enough. A good enough Mom, wife, friend. Being good enough at my job so I can be promoted and make more money for my family. I shared this all with Mike and it felt good. I no longer needed to pretend that I was strong and confident and had it all together when I did not feel that way at all. That conversation helped me end my rut. 

You would think I would have no problem being vulnerable with Mike, especially after the condition I was in after E's birth. Mike was fortunate enough to have the experience of helping me put on those wonderful mesh underwear you get after having a baby. The ones that are as big as a tent so they can hold that giant pad. I really have no dignity left with him. But this was different. I didn't want to let him down. I liked having him think of me as strong confident woman. But the stress of pretending to have it all together made manageable things in life less manageable. I was overwhelmed and couldn't deal with it. That's the great thing about my marriage, Mike is a true partner, we're a team in life. When one is down, the other steps up. 

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